This spring, I’m thinking about revisiting my alma mater. It’ll be my first time back on the campus since my undergrad chapter reunion back in 2007. It’s weird how ever since graduation, I’ve made it a habit of unintentionally coming back to campus every other year. I finished in 2003. Revisited to see my neo in 2005. Chapter reunion in 2007. And now visiting neos in 2009.
I think about college alot. Many people have memories of dorm life, parties, campus hangouts, study spots, and lifetime friendships. Some people from college married each other. For the most part, the memories are true…but in some aspects, I can’t help but feel like the bad is neck-and-neck with the good. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of undergrad was my utter and total insecurity those first three years. There is SO MUCH I wish I could go back and do differently.
For one, a very bad experience involving a liar of a so-called boyfriend (or should I say “fling?” We weren’t together very long) did more damage than I realized. After that, I developed really low self-esteem. I just wanted to be accepted, to fit in. I didn’t get the guidance I should’ve gotten. I didn’t have the support system I needed. I was so far away from home, leaving all my friends behind, and after that experience, the loneliness was immense. I walked around with my head down, listening to music to drown everybody out. I must’ve hid it well, but really I needed a friend. I tried being more social and talking to more people, but a lot of folks appeared to be turned off by me. Not to say that everyone was evil to me (but there were quite a few who didn’t help the situation), but perhaps I was going about it wrong. I never had many girlfriends, and I really wanted that, but could never find a niche where I fit in, so I floated in and out of circles.
After a while, I felt that in order to be accepted, I had to please everyone in the best way I could. I realized the hard way that it only made it easier for people to take advantage of me, and boy, did they ever. I never became promiscuous, looking for affection. But I became super-conscious of myself, cared too much of what other people thought of me. Then when things got tough, everyone seemed to turn on me, point fingers for the blame that really both parties shared. People who I thought were my friends sold me out. I took total blame for things I should’ve defended, things I for which I should’ve stood up for myself more. I should’ve called more people out on their fakeness and their own faults in situations. I should’ve cursed and shouted more. I should’ve demanded to be taken more seriously.
That made me crawl deeper into a hole.
I honestly wish I’d gotten involved earlier. Maybe that would’ve been a better outlet. Maybe I would’ve made more friends, been more occupied doing other things instead of schoolwork and loneliness. Speaking of schoolwork, my grades were fine once I got into my major, but overall I don’t think my grades accurately represent my potential. I wish I’d been more gung-ho about getting into the books. I know I could’ve done much better in subjects that I breezed through in high school.
What’s so weird is that it wasn’t until my senior year that I finally broke out of my shell and became my own person. Somewhat. I was more outspoken. I stood up for myself more. I stopped caring so much about outside opinions. I set goals for myself and met them. And now, five years after graduation, I think I’ve become the person I should’ve been at ages 18-21. Why didn’t I do this sooner? I missed out on so much.
But anyway, not too long ago I was talking to a soror and she asked if I still harbored any hard feelings on some of the unfair things that happened to me in undergrad. A part of me says no. It was so long ago, and some of the major characters I haven’t seen since then. But a small part of me says yes. If there is one thing I’m working on, it’s how to deal when closure doesn’t seem possible. I wish I could confront those people who did those things, said those things. But chances are they’ve forgotten all about it. So I guess so should I.
But with the bad, there’s the good. I miss my sorors. I miss the parties. I miss the road-trips. I miss some of the friends I did have before Sigma, the ones whom I almost lost complete touch with until recently. I even miss Lewellen Pool. I can’t wait to visit some of my favorite spots — Greek’s pizza, Bracken Library, Art and Journalism building, The Daily News newsroom. I can’t wait to just walk around and think about some of the fun I had.
Yes, undergrad was a long time ago. But it plays a bigger part in our lives than we give credit for. Life-changing things have happened there. But as for the bad, I’m looking forward to burying that part of me for good when I head back to Muncie.
Tossing dish liquid in the Frog Pond,
Nell
